I love the way you write, this piece touched my soul, thank you.
I can especially relate to the paragraph in which you explain about you parents trying to fill their own emptiness. I'm in a phase in which I'm breaking free from those patterns, too much neediness when I'm creating the life I want and not the one they want. Obsolete cultural mindsets that are suppressing for the human's soul.
What a gift to receive your reflection---thank you.
"Obsolete cultural mindsets that are suppressing for the human's soul." I love the way you named this---straight to the heart of the matter. I'm glad to know you are breaking free in this way.
There's such a taboo in our culture of leaving family ties behind. But, if we want to create a more beautiful, life-enhancing world, by being ourselves in it, this is what many of us must do. I'm grateful to know you, too, are walking these edges to freedom.
Wow! I like the you mentioned the performance aspect. I’ve never heard that mentioned before. I was just responding to a psychotherapist’s note about this earlier today. Mental health professionals often have enormous pressure to perform because people usually expect that person to heal them. I remember having unrealistic expectation of various providers, in retrospect. There were times I placed the psychotherapist on a pedestal. There were times I felt I needed to please. That was part of the childhood script of the ‘good girl’. I remember one defining moment when I was feeling quite low. I said to my psychiatrist, “I want you to fix this. I just want the pain to go away!” Even though I knew that wasn’t possible, even though I knew I was fantasizing, it’s what I most wanted in the moment. The pain felt unbearable. I didn’t have the tools I have today. I only knew that there is something I wanted the psychiatrist ‘to do’ and what I wanted him ‘to be’ for me.
In another context, at times, I’ve been a client who has felt the need to perform. This prevented me from fully expressing my feelings. While I felt a need to release the internal pain through crying. I felt a block. The expectations of therapy felt performative. I didn’t feel I could go where I wanted to go. The therapist seemed defended to me. She didn’t seem comfortable with her own feelings. We spent a lot of time talking about feelings, analyzing feelings, talking about parts, talking about what parts wanted, talking about things that happened, talking about what I thought were my feelings, talking about my feelings about my thoughts. We both had the same issue. We liked to talk about feelings. But, feeling those feelings or expressing those feelings, directly was a whole other matter for both of us.
When the therapist or client are ‘in performance’ neither are not leading with authenticity. But, I think transference dynamics add another layer of complexity.
Btw: the song is lovely. I found it on Amazon music. Could say more about that, but I said enough already.
Anna, I wanted to give a brief response. I will have time on Thursday to give a proper response. But in the immediate now, I wanted you to know that my heart is so touched by your support in word, and financially. Thank you.
Thanks for saying ‘hi’ — I’ll see you around. I’ll look forward to connecting with you later in the year. I’m going to be traveling later in the week. I’ll be busy attending to business. I know you haven’t been around. It’s okay. You were such a source of support last year, the subscription is a small token of my gratitude. 🙏
You also know that I ramble with my thoughts. No need to respond to my initial comment. I can copy and paste and incorporate into an essay at a later date. 😉
You always get me consider your thoughts and going deeper.
I have a free hour after a cancellation. Let's see.
Anna, hi!
Yes. It's so prevalent—this dynamic of therapist and client needing to perform for each other. This interpersonal style of relating is so deeply ingrained that it's bone-deep. There are many ways to unwind this pattern, but I imagine this is why some of us are drawn to plant medicine: it creates enough openness to feel things, bone deep.
I've been reflecting recently on the Malleus Maleficarum, and how much women would be burned for them just "being themselves."
Yes, expectations in therapy are the worst. Haha. Especially for those of us with relational trauma. It immediately sets up the relationship to be pleasing and performative. I know this so well in my journey. I don't think I would have ever been able to see how deeply I was doing this if it wasn't for the fierceness of Bruce Sanguin, my mentor, and his continual showing up, session after session, without an agenda.
And yes, transference dynamics add a lot here. And if they can be spoken to directly, rather than avoided, so much healing can come!
Thank you for supporting my song. I'm elated to be expressing my musical side more abundantly.
You were kind to take time out of your day to respond. Let me know how the book is coming along some time. Do you plan to post once a month or so? Or are you just seeing how it goes.
I bought Anam Cara. I just haven’t had a chance to read it yet.
Illuminating and touching on therapies I knew little of. My path was found long ago, however, your thoughts are still of value to me. THANKS! The song is wonderful and I look forward to the completed work. " I can't tell you how to succeed, but I can tell you how to fail: Try to please everybody."
Hi Tara
I love the way you write, this piece touched my soul, thank you.
I can especially relate to the paragraph in which you explain about you parents trying to fill their own emptiness. I'm in a phase in which I'm breaking free from those patterns, too much neediness when I'm creating the life I want and not the one they want. Obsolete cultural mindsets that are suppressing for the human's soul.
Thank you
Hey Cristiano,
What a gift to receive your reflection---thank you.
"Obsolete cultural mindsets that are suppressing for the human's soul." I love the way you named this---straight to the heart of the matter. I'm glad to know you are breaking free in this way.
There's such a taboo in our culture of leaving family ties behind. But, if we want to create a more beautiful, life-enhancing world, by being ourselves in it, this is what many of us must do. I'm grateful to know you, too, are walking these edges to freedom.
With care,
Tara
It's not an easy task. Parents should be an extension of our wings, not a clipping tool.
Keep up the inspiring writing
Cristiano
Great to see you back, Tara.
Wow! I like the you mentioned the performance aspect. I’ve never heard that mentioned before. I was just responding to a psychotherapist’s note about this earlier today. Mental health professionals often have enormous pressure to perform because people usually expect that person to heal them. I remember having unrealistic expectation of various providers, in retrospect. There were times I placed the psychotherapist on a pedestal. There were times I felt I needed to please. That was part of the childhood script of the ‘good girl’. I remember one defining moment when I was feeling quite low. I said to my psychiatrist, “I want you to fix this. I just want the pain to go away!” Even though I knew that wasn’t possible, even though I knew I was fantasizing, it’s what I most wanted in the moment. The pain felt unbearable. I didn’t have the tools I have today. I only knew that there is something I wanted the psychiatrist ‘to do’ and what I wanted him ‘to be’ for me.
In another context, at times, I’ve been a client who has felt the need to perform. This prevented me from fully expressing my feelings. While I felt a need to release the internal pain through crying. I felt a block. The expectations of therapy felt performative. I didn’t feel I could go where I wanted to go. The therapist seemed defended to me. She didn’t seem comfortable with her own feelings. We spent a lot of time talking about feelings, analyzing feelings, talking about parts, talking about what parts wanted, talking about things that happened, talking about what I thought were my feelings, talking about my feelings about my thoughts. We both had the same issue. We liked to talk about feelings. But, feeling those feelings or expressing those feelings, directly was a whole other matter for both of us.
When the therapist or client are ‘in performance’ neither are not leading with authenticity. But, I think transference dynamics add another layer of complexity.
Btw: the song is lovely. I found it on Amazon music. Could say more about that, but I said enough already.
Anna, I wanted to give a brief response. I will have time on Thursday to give a proper response. But in the immediate now, I wanted you to know that my heart is so touched by your support in word, and financially. Thank you.
Thanks for saying ‘hi’ — I’ll see you around. I’ll look forward to connecting with you later in the year. I’m going to be traveling later in the week. I’ll be busy attending to business. I know you haven’t been around. It’s okay. You were such a source of support last year, the subscription is a small token of my gratitude. 🙏
You also know that I ramble with my thoughts. No need to respond to my initial comment. I can copy and paste and incorporate into an essay at a later date. 😉
You always get me consider your thoughts and going deeper.
I have a free hour after a cancellation. Let's see.
Anna, hi!
Yes. It's so prevalent—this dynamic of therapist and client needing to perform for each other. This interpersonal style of relating is so deeply ingrained that it's bone-deep. There are many ways to unwind this pattern, but I imagine this is why some of us are drawn to plant medicine: it creates enough openness to feel things, bone deep.
I've been reflecting recently on the Malleus Maleficarum, and how much women would be burned for them just "being themselves."
Yes, expectations in therapy are the worst. Haha. Especially for those of us with relational trauma. It immediately sets up the relationship to be pleasing and performative. I know this so well in my journey. I don't think I would have ever been able to see how deeply I was doing this if it wasn't for the fierceness of Bruce Sanguin, my mentor, and his continual showing up, session after session, without an agenda.
And yes, transference dynamics add a lot here. And if they can be spoken to directly, rather than avoided, so much healing can come!
Thank you for supporting my song. I'm elated to be expressing my musical side more abundantly.
I hope your traveling is lovely.
With love,
Tara
You were kind to take time out of your day to respond. Let me know how the book is coming along some time. Do you plan to post once a month or so? Or are you just seeing how it goes.
I bought Anam Cara. I just haven’t had a chance to read it yet.
I’ll check back when I return.x
Illuminating and touching on therapies I knew little of. My path was found long ago, however, your thoughts are still of value to me. THANKS! The song is wonderful and I look forward to the completed work. " I can't tell you how to succeed, but I can tell you how to fail: Try to please everybody."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Beautiful and insightful as always. 🌹